BuzzFeed may collect a portion of sales or other compensation from links on this page if you choose to purchase from them. All products were independently selected by our editors, and prices were accurate and items were in-stock at the time of publication.
Let’s face it: sex doesn’t always go smoothly. He is often not as fluid and carefree as in the movies.
Sexual performance anxiety is common, and while it can affect anyone, people with penises often have to deal with it on a higher level. They are expected to have a physical response to arousaland few people are willing to talk about how often things go wrong.
Mike Johnson – from Single franchise fame: recently spoke about the Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram podcast and openly discussed his own experience with erectile unpredictability. It takes her about two and a half months to get consistent erections during sex, specifically with the women she cares about, she said on the podcast.
“For me, I get in my head and I don’t want her to feel like I only love her for her body, and I overthink and overcompensate for so many different things,” he told host Shan Boodram.
Unrealistic body standards and pornography can also play a role in erectile unpredictability: Even knowing these are paid actors creating a fantasy sets a standard that no real human being can meet, said Carolanne Marcantonio, a sex therapist based in Brooklyn.
A lot of erectile unpredictability (medical conditions aside) is also about not being able to be present in your body for pleasure because you’re so focused on performance, he added.
“There’s often a lot associated with this connection of masculinity to physical perfection,” he said. That can exacerbate body image concerns and, in turn, decrease the ability to get or maintain erections, she said. “It’s very normal for erections to wax and wane during intercourse or during foreplay or play or whatever someone wants to call it. It’s unrealistic to think that you’re going to be rock hard for hours.”
The norms and judgment associated with masturbation can also increase the risk of premature ejaculation, Marcantonio said. “For them, it’s about figuring out how to manage their pleasure and how to feel in their body what’s going on so they can pull back when they get close to orgasm and slow down,” Marcantonio said.
If you have any sexual performance issues, it is important to see a doctor. A urologist can check for any health condition that may require medical intervention. If you have sexual performance anxiety, it can be treated with education and talk therapy, she said. A sex therapist can help you come up with a unique plan and address any underlying anxiety or depression.
There are a few books that Marcantonio recommends that clients read, including come as you are by Emily Nagoski and The new male sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld. Also, sex therapists can help you learn how to use performance-enhancing toys.